January 2012
47 posts
3 tags
Karl Malone
MARK: Hey, Chris. Can you answer a question? We need to settle a bet.
CHRIS: Sure.
MARK: You like basketball, right?
CHRIS: Eh.
MARK: OK, but you know who Karl Malone is?
CHRIS: Yeah, the Mailman.
MARK: Do you know why they called him The Mailman?
CHRIS: Because he always delivered. He was clutch.
BRYAN: Damnit.
MARK: Ha, I told you so.
CHRIS: Why did you think they call him The Mailman?
BRYAN: Because he bangs everybody's mom.
CHRIS: Do mailmen do that?
BRYAN: Mine did.
1 tag
To put it in perspective, 14 years ago, Newt...
I’ve seen a lot of people making the argument that Joe Paterno’s legacy shouldn’t be tied to the sex scandal that engulfed the last 12 weeks of his life, abruptly ending his career in disgrace. The man coached a college football team for almost half a century and he did it well. He won a lot of games, and on the surface, it appeared he did it the right way. Most of his players...
1 tag
1 tag
2 tags
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
Do you play video games? We need...
I fucking love Mountain Dew.
Aw, take a showah.
3 tags
How do you get through Mondays?
People who wish their lives away instead of living in the moment have no one to blame for their unhappiness except themselves. Changing your outlook on the world is the first step in affecting change in how others see you. You can sit there and lament a glass that’s half empty while your beer turns flat and warm, or you can drink heartily from whatever cup God puts in front of you, if you...
1 tag
1 tag
awpeeps:
sarahb:
N: I can never remember with Chris and Tracie, who’s Poops and who’s Peeps?
S: Here’s how you remember —
N: Wait! Tracie’s Poops because she shits herself?
S: No, but now I’m gonna Tumblr this.
Poops and Peeps: The Only Married Tumblr Team
(The way to remember it is Tracie’s brain is made of marshmallow peeps.)
My brain is made of poop.
1 tag
1 tag
3 tags
1 tag
A typo that isn't really a typo.
Instead of ranch dressing, I typed rank dressing.
2 tags
1 tag
3 tags
WatchRe: Artie
I guess every year at Thanksgiving I should be thankful that I still get a stocking at Christmas, both from my parents and my in-laws, or as I like to call them, wiferents. But when I bump this in the middle of the night—on my way to the bathroom to pee—it freaks me out.
Anyway, Sweet Tarts are gross.
1 tag
2 tags
Judging by the headline, the person who wrote that...
This could be applied to most Lifestyle pieces in the New York Times, generally.
2 tags
youngmanhattanite:
nycdigital:
Yesterday marked the beginning of the first MTA FASTRACK program.
Part of the 4, 5, 6 line is closed this week from 10 PM to 5 AM for inspections, maintenance, and upgrades to stations, tracks and signals. Over 700 people worked last night while part of the Lexington Avenue line was closed.
See pictures and learn more information about last night’s work.
...
1 tag
awpeeps:
Just found out my husband has been to a John Mayer concert.
Look, it was in Cincinnati, some concert called “Jammin’ on Main Street.” I was there to see the Roots, but I didn’t even get to see them. This was before John Mayer was big, in fact, I’d never heard of him, but then and there I knew he and his racist penis were going to be famous. You could...
2 tags
1 tag
2 tags
1 tag
When you see someone of whom you have a negative opinion doing something positive, like riding his or her bike to work, and you momentarily have a positive opinion of that person. Then you realize that person is biking on the sidewalk.
1 tag
In Megan's room, looking out her window at the...
ME: Nice window.
MEGAN: Thanks.
ME: It's too bad you don't play the saxophone.
MEGAN: I do play the saxophone.
ME: You should totally play the saxophone by this window.
2 tags
2 tags
2 tags
Just having a glass or two of wine.
Watching Nazi UFO Conspiracies on Planet Green.
1 tag
TRACIE: How many times is too many times to have a dream where I have a dick?
ME: What?
TRACIE: Asking for a friend.
ME: Am I in these dreams?
TRACIE: No, of course not.
ME: Oh.
TRACIE: What I can't remember is: do I still have boobs?
1 tag
Found in Ed Gein's House
danielleh:
nevver:
▪ Four noses ▪ Whole human bones and fragments ▪ Nine masks of human skin ▪ Bowls made from human skulls ▪ Ten female heads with the tops sawn off ▪ Human skin covering several chair seats ▪ Mary Hogan’s head in a paper bag ▪ Bernice Worden’s head in a burlap sack ▪ Nine vulvae in a shoe box ▪ A belt made from female human nipples ▪ Skulls on his bedposts ▪ A pair...
3 tags
RE: CHRIS on my bib instead of MADDOG or POOPS →
Two years ago, I asked them to put “Mr. Sensual” on my bib, but they just put “CHRIS”, instead.
4 tags
3 tags
3 tags
1 tag
1 tag
conky replied to your photoset: Just realized the first and third Batman films pit…
DeVito and Arnold are also twins. Think about it.
1 tag
rendit replied to your photoset: Just realized the first and third Batman films pit…
Well this is pretty reductive/misogynistic. Pamela Isley is in no way a love interest for Bruce Wayne: remember that Batman & Robin is Joel Schumacher’s treatise on the banality of heterosexuality.
Ah, you’re right. I was thinking of the The Animated Series. Sorry, sometimes they blend together.
2 tags
2 tags
2 tags
zanmcquade replied to your photo: AC works fine, guys. Plenty of heat too.
Is this a meme? Or a mmmmmemmmme? (Because it’s cold some places? Get it?)
I’m not sure. I don’t even know anymore. I think I’m making fun of people who have jobs, though. Good ones. So it’s socioeconomically sensitive.
Guys, I saw two falcons flying over Chelsea/Midtown today. It was pretty...
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
1 tag
2 tags
Had an idea for a blog post last night.
Then my wife pointed out that The Hairpin already did it, except she doesn’t call it The Hairpin, she calls it Lipstick Jungle. I’m not going to say what the idea was, other than it was a list, and two of the items were “wax my asshole” and “read all 7 Harry Potter books”.
1 tag
New Years Plans
Tracie: Did you say we should go to Sbarro and listen to Rush?
Me: I said we should go to some bar where we can listen to Rush.
Tracie: Sorry, in a loud bar my brain autocorrects.
December 2011
81 posts
2 tags
I've only kept one New Year's resolution.
Drink more skim milk.
1 tag
